HOPE.

Today has been truly unbearable (pain wise and faith wise). As I sit
here waiting to be seen by my neurosurgeon I ask myself over and over
"are any guestions going to be answered"? They sure do never seem to
be. They just seem to go into that list of symptoms on my nurses
computer and lead to test after test... WELL actually I guess I would
say these past few months have been pretty unbearable. But It seems to
be getting worse and WORSE... My symptoms have been so persistent. My
functioning has been non-existent (this could be the medication that I
take that HELP'S deal with the pressure in my head causing horrific
head pain, THE HORRIBLE ACHES and PAINS I deal with all over my
body)(But the medication is well worth NOT screaming in pain). The
misery is so surreal and blah. It reached that point again...The point
where I just can't take it anymore. THE rage and despair just take
over me. I was a person possessed. I know this has put such a strain
on my family and POOR HUSBAND. I want and WISH this all could just
stop. To go away! I just feel so terrible for my family. My loved ones
are the only reason I haven't left this world much sooner (and yes I
mean that and only my loved ones truly know that). BUT I have to
believe that there is nothing within me that would stop me from giving
up, completely and utterly (thats where faith steps in). With out fait
how else could I go through all these years of intense distress...Plus
years of pain? I have no choice but to HOLD ON! I have no idea what I
would do without my support. They are the only reason I feel like I
can hold on (like I said before).

It's just that sometimes, it feels like a game of tug of war. My body
is constantly telling me that something is horribly wrong. But there
is nothing to do about it. Absolutely nothing. And it's so frustrating
for those around me to not be able to do anything to help. But the tug
of war is in me. I just want to give up and let go of that DUMB ROPE!
I want to so bad. I just don't know how I am going to face another day
(which I've said 1,000 times to myself before). But I can't give in,
because I could never hurt my family that way, after all they've done
for me.

But when will it be enough? When will I finally have gone through
enough? How bad does it have to get before they'd let me leave? LORD I
NEED YOU!

But...I know the answer to this question. I don't get to leave. It
will never be an option, no matter how unbearable my illness becomes.

I guess, on days like today, when I am so completely out of control, I
wish I could just call 911, have an ambulance come over and
tranquilize me. That is what I need just a week of a coma. The
medicine isn't doing it's job anymore or at least right now. My cries
out to God are me asking him why he has left me here so cold and all
alone. So sad and helpless. So scared and not loved. But I have to ask
myself WHAT HAVE I DONT TO SHOW HIM LATELY THAT I LOVE HIM AND THAT I
CARE FOR HIS WORD. I must beleive that I have stength to GO ON. I have
for all this time... But it is wearing so THIN...



::Giving way to that familiar ill::