Sometimes the bad times have a few good memories!

These are some old pictures from this past summer (June)... In the Wisconsin Dells! 

I think we were there for a total of 4 days... 

I remember not enjoying any of them... Just pretending to. 

I was in a lot of pain from Chiari. 

Looking back at these pictures now these are the few that made me happy!

The others where honestly pictures that Brad took of me sleeping... 

He is such a strong man to STICK by my side thru all of MY shit. 

::Giving way to that familiar ill::

It's the little things that we do that mean anything...

This past week in a half has been such, such... suchhhh an emotional time in my life.
WAIT... This past two years has been such an emotional time in my life...

I have been holding it all in and holding it all back for so long... I feel like I can't seem to let out these same few tears that have been sitting in my eyes for the past month.

When is it okay to just flip the switch and let the flood gates DOWN!?

Dang it. I wish I never heard the question of "how are you feeling Felicia" EVER AGAIN. 

How am I really feeling. Or what would I LOVE to scream in your face?!

I FEEL HOPELESS. I DON'T FEEL STONG ANYMORE. I FEEL LIKE THIS IS NEVER ENDING! I FEEL SO WEAK! I FEEL LIKE I AM ON MY LAST STRING just waiting to fall... (this doesn't mean anything harsh to anyone, please don't take that personally. It just that truth that hides within that you wish you could really just let out...) 

LATELY, I feel secure in death, (wait can that even be possible? Secure in death)
Have I lived out all the dreams and hopes and days and adventures and laughing and kids and my love in my marriage that I had always wished for as a kid to now in life?
NO... NO! I haven't.
But I do know that I am wearing thin. And my mind and heart are at ease with the thought that shit HEAVEN sounds great right now! No more pain, no more tears, no more depression, and all JOY! But I know that I have a purpose here on this earth that has become my "hell" (in my own way)...
I know that God really does love me and that he really does want to USE me... I am not quite sure yet but maybe I should ASK... RIGHT?
Ask and it will be given to you seek and you shall find.

"Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. Matthew 7:7 ( this has always been one of my favorite bible verses since I can remember, In sunday school we sang a song to this verse!)



So what's new???
I had an MRI of my brain a week ago yesterday and go in on April 1st to talk about result, the new drug I am on and more testing that Dr. Chandler and I had talked about this past visit with him. (JOY). But this next Wednesday I finally get to go see the Rheumatologist about my muscular system. FINALLY! For now we (meaning the doctors, Brad and I) are in the works of looking for what the heck is wrong with my body...

So stay tuned...

On the other hand I went to starbucks this am 6am that is. To get my all time favorite drink... Warm apple chai infusion. SO YUM! And while I was there and waiting for my drink I was looking around and came across this book called "my life. my love. my list".
It is full of some poetry and then goes along to questions that maybe you would never think to ask yourself or it just seems easier to answer when a book is asking you... So I bought it (being cheep and on sale I was sold) and when I got to the Smiths to watch Garrison (him still being asleep) I decided to crack open the first page and to fill it out.  I want to do one page at a time/day... Todays topic/question was...

Which people from your past would you most like the thank...
I wrote down three.
My Peeps, My momma and My sissee!
And I also write down reasons why...
It made me feel good.
It also made me feel like maybe one day one of them will read it. Maybe I will be gone. Maybe I will be standing there. But I hope it makes them smile to know that I am truly thankful for them and I love them so much!







::Giving way to that familiar ill::

What's UP with me, FE.

A rainy day could always keep a writer writing...

I have a few things that I would like to share with you that I am happy to say blessed with!!!


1) Being that my dentist loves me and has not charged me just my insurance for the last year almost!!! This means all the crowns and root canals have been completely paid for and not to mention my NEW FUN invisalign!!! (YES, 100 percent paid for) Thank you JESUS!!!
2) I have two amazing jobs that I ABSOLUTELY LOVE and look forward to going to. Cutting hair three days a week and nannying a little man named Garrison two days a week (HE IS THE COOLEST 2 YEAR OLD I HAVE EVER EVER MET)!
3) We found a killer deal on a killer apartment! So happy to have EVERYTHING completely BRAND NEW!!! (washer and dryer, granite counter tops, stainless steel everything, a huge bathroom with a huge huge JACUZZI tub, huge bedroom with a sky light... Yes a skylight and wonderful wooden blinds) (OHHHH the things that make a girl happy) P.S. Out landlord is so kick ass awesome!
4) I am discovering what I LOVE and what I NEED to do to enjoy life... I saw a wooden sign that read LIFE IS TOO SHORT EAT COOKIES and that made my mind trail off into wonderland... Yes a 25 year old can still dream off into wonderland... But that sign touched me in a million ways... One being that I need to step up and do things I love and enjoy, that I need to find joyful things in my life, I need to stop hiding in the corner and do stuff (even small things go a longgg way) and many many more things and thoughts... Worrying will get you nowhere.

The only scary thing is is that I know that as soon as things get good they usually what... GET BAD... But I need to put my faith in life and shut up and let life go... Which is completely  hard for me to say let alone DO.

ON THE DOWN SIDE...
I had an MRI on Monday to do a contrast on my brain with its CSF flow, Dr. Chandler ordered this MRI to make sure that my crazy weird problems are not due to lack of CSF flow.
You are probably wondering what the heck that is... SO:
Magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) scan of the head is a noninvasive method to create detailed pictures of the brain and surrounding nerve tissues.
CSF flow study (MRI with contrast) measures the velocity of cerebral spinal fluid as it flows from the cerebral ventricles (fluid reservoirs) inside the brain, down to the skull base via the cerebral aqueduct, and to the spinal canal via the fourth ventricle and foramen magnum”. Cerebral spinal fluid is continually produced within the center of the brain, (about 500 cc/day) and is continually reabsorbed at a number of locations along the surface of the brain. There are a number of events, and disease states that can significantly alter the velocity and behavior of CSF over time, these shifts are visible via the CSF waveform obtained through the MRI study.  CSF is not a static fluid; it is continuously flowing back and forth between the head and the spine.
The technologist will place what is called a coil (mask like) on top of your head. This is what will create the images needed by the radiologists to provide you with an excellent examination. This will remain above you during the whole examination. For most of the head studies we will be using contrast (dye). The contrast used in MRI is very different than other parts of Radiology. The technologist will start an IV before the study begins. How your study needs to be performed will determine how the contrast will be administered. This is the only way to best look at certain pathology such as tumors and infections. This will make your examination complete. 

Lets just pray that all comes back NORMAL and well! Felicia doesn't need another surgery for a stent:
a stent is a man-made 'tube' inserted into a natural passage/conduit in the body to prevent, or counteract, a disease-induced, localized flow constriction. The term may also refer to a tube used to temporarily hold such a natural conduit open to allow access for surgery. This would be to help the CSF flow correctly and normal.

::Giving way to that familiar ill::